“At night my soul longs for You, Indeed, my spirit within me seeks You diligently…” Isaiah 26:9

A friend of mine was describing her new hobby of meditation. She was talking about the weirdness of trying something new and the constant feeling that you’re doing it wrong. We talked about the different styles of mediation, and she mentioned that she needed the guided sessions because sitting in silence made her nervous. She said that it was hard to talk about because other people think she’s crazy for trying it. Have you ever felt that anxiety of trying something new?

Throughout the conversation, I couldn’t help but be reminded of my faith journey.

I’m not sure when my relationship with God really started. I was baptized as a baby and went to church most Sundays throughout my childhood. Middle school hit, and I decided that church wasn’t for me. I pulled the “God will know I don’t want to be there, so I’m just gonna stay here” and laid in bed while the rest of my family went to mass without me. In high school, I began to feel like there was something missing.

I wanted to know my purpose. I wanted to find the answers to all of my questions. I wanted to find people who truly understood me. I wanted to belong and be loved. These wants brought me back to God. But not into a relationship with Him.

I went to church most Sundays. I celebrated Holy Days. I served others. I listened to Christian music. I thought that those actions were what it meant to love God and be a good disciple. I didn’t realize that I was missing that relationship I sought for another 10 years. Can you believe that it took me 26 years to realize I was missing a true relationship with God? I honestly thought that I had faith, and the same “active faith” that other religious people had.

My “new-and-improved” active faith journey started with a single step. A nightime prayer. That prayer lead to morning gratitudes. Which changed into daily devotionals, and then awkward journal entries. Entries caused questions that directed me to the Bible. Then tears, always crying. Song lyrics and poetry added comfort. Out loud conversations with myself happened on the regular. Step by step, my journey progressed. My spirit longed (and continues to long) for God.

Faith isn’t a set of rules, it is a belief. Being a Christian is more than religious practices, it is about being in a relationship with Christ. God is at the core. Not some distant person, but a father. He knows all of who we are and still yearns to hear more. For the last year, I have started to foster my faith as a relationship versus an obligation. It isn’t hidden, or routine. My faith is more than a hobby, or lifestyle. It is my life.

I praise Him for the good. I seek Him in the bad. I trust Him with the unknown. I read His words. I talk to him daily. I continue to journey closer to Him.

My conversation with my friend about meditation reminded me of my own awkwardness of starting a relationship with God. It felt foreign and uncomfortable. Some days, I still feel like I’m “doing it wrong”. There are so many ways to practice faith, and so many things to believe in. I feel at home at church most days, but other times I want to combine pieces and parts from a million places to feel content. It’s hard for me to talk about sometimes because I am afraid about what other people might say in response. Evangelization scares me, I’ll be honest. I want to do good deeds for the purpose of doing them. I want to talk about God with people that I know before I talk about Him with strangers. But, I’m still on my journey.

Father God, thank you for all that you have done and all that you continue to do in my life. You know my heart, my struggles. Be with me as I continue to grow closer to you and my purpose. Comfort those who are looking for your peace, your strength, your mercy. I pray that they may know all that is You, and all that is good. Amen.